Ally

I’m in a weird mood today. For various reasons.  Im very very tired. Two nights out on the trot is something im not used to.  Today I started packing.  That’s a weird job.  I mean im exited for moving out, but today it feels real, very real.  I have a lot of stuff too which has shocked me.  I can’t believe I was actually going to leave all this and just pack on the day…. I feel more prepared by doing this, so hopefully it should all go smoothly.  I asked mum to help and she jumped at the chance!  I get my hording skills from my mother and even I had to snatch some things out of her hand and say “no mum, I have to chuck it away”.  I decided to throw away lots of things ive been keeping for some reason. My 18^th and 21^st birthday cards are a prim example.  I’ve always felt like I needed t keep them but I don’t know why. An I just can’t see where they are going to go in my new house… so in the bin they went.  Same with all my old letters.  I’ve 3 shoes boxes full of letters from friends when I was younger and first left school, but I don’t need them, and half the people I don’t even see anymore so what’s the point? Most of my old teds have gone only 1 I think ive deemed necessary to keep, and mum’s got about 2 car loads full for the charity shop.  All my old video’s, I’ll probably regret chucking my friends vid’s but I have loads on DVD so again WHY?  I dread to think how many DVD’s and CD’s me and Carl are bringing with us (im under strict instructions not to chuck any of them away!).

Im also quite sad today, chatting to mum about things, and she told me something today I wished she hadn’t. I mean really wished she hadn’t, and I just can’t get it out of my head.  I want to talk to Carl about it, but im not seeing him tonight and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone else about it.  My first instinct was to call my brother, I felt that I needed him, as he would be the one and only person that could share the strange feeling with me, more so than Carl even, I think Andy would be only person to fully understand, but I can’t call him, and I won’t call him. At the moment I think its best if I keep this to me, I don’t see what good it would do making someone else feel like this. 

I know im being cryptic, and everyone will wonder what’s up, but it’s not something im going to talk about, in fact I don’t think I’ll ever talk about it. When I’ve said things to people in the past about situations it makes them uncomfortable, you can see. I laugh about it and they don’t know whether to or not. It’s something I’ve grown up with and at my age should I be bothered now? But the truth is I am, I don’t see how I can’t be, it’s just not right, and I don’t like it.  I wish we hadn’t had that conversation and then I would of never of known the full extent.  I believe that ignorance is bliss in some cases, don’t you?